Levels of Drinking

I'm clearly stealing this concept from others, but I don't give a shit. I'll try and include examples of each level, naming names, just to be an attention whore and get people to read this. I figure it's kind of like photos, no one gives a shit unless they are in it.
LEVEL ONE: Sobriety. Not much to be said about this, it involves not drinking. Usually you work and be a real human being, warts and all. This is my least favorite level. I hit the gym, get a little moody, and think way too much. Mostly thinking about the next time I get to drink. On the plus side, I'm generally nice enough to maintain a relationship and a career. A couple Friday's ago, I was walking out of the gym around 8:30pm and ran into Richie G. and Darren (fuck, I still can't remember his last name. Jen Coop's boyfriend. We'll refer to him as Darren C. for lack of a better idea and we'll all know who I'm talking about. Sorry dude.) Anyway, I run into these two getting cash at an ATM while they are out to dinner with their hot babes. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see the babes, they were having cocktails in a bar across the street. Damn shame, I was all pumped up and sweaty, probably could have wooed them into coming back to my place for a Jay sandwich! At least that's what I jerked off thinking about when I got home. Wow, got a little side-tracked there! Back to my point, Richie and Darren would have been more surprised to see Al Sharpton blowing a leprechaun than to see a sober Jay walking out of the gym and being civil to them at 8:30 on a Friday night. I got a chuckle out of it and I'm sure they still think it was a shared hallucination.
LEVEL TWO: A drink or two after work. Not my strong suit, Shal is much better at this than I am. She will have a glass of wine or a Corona almost everyday after work. Chills her out and makes her able to deal with me. I mostly skip this level, it just doesn't work for me. I buy beer by the 12-pack and booze by the gallon. I never intend for there to be any left over for the next day. I consider a 6-pack to be one drink. Moving on!
LEVEL THREE: Going out for drinks. This is always fun for me. Usually involves a meal or nachos. I meet up with at least one or two people, have a few beers and see what happens. Good conversation, good friends, and good times. I consider this the T. Finn/ Dan Mc. level, with the absolute danger of it turning into a higher level. This only stays at this level if there are our significant others with us. Allie, K-Finn and Shal serve as the "Voices of Reason". No Jamesons, no Jaeger, and don't start discussing fist-fights you had when you were 16. Keep it cordial and lady-friendly. If we start discussing terrorism or foreign policy, the ladies light their hair on fire and have the bar evacuated. Everyone goes home, hopefully for hot, steamy sex. DISCLAIMER: This level does not include watching sporting events, Friday or Saturday nights, or having more than four men show up (Jag doesn't count until he gets his balls back). This is more of a Monday through Thursday level. Fun but harmless.
LEVEL FOUR: Home drinking. One of my personal favorites! Simply putting on a strong load, maybe smoking a little pot, and having free rein to smoke cigarettes until my lungs bleed. Watching bad TV or movies while sitting around in my underwear or nude (tantalizing touch for my lady readers!). Shal enjoys this cause I'm in a great mood and very open to any conversation. "You wouldn't believe what happened at work today...", tell me all about it. I'm knocking back rum and cokes and just glad to be alive. When I'm in a bad mood, I drink and feel better. When I'm in a good mood, I drink and feel great. She usually goes to bed around ten and I stay up until around two in the morning watching Comedy Central. She's content and I'm hammered watching South Park until I pass out. A great example would be this last Friday, I caught up with the entire season of Contender from 11:00-2:00am. I was drunk but coherent and can actually tell you what is going on with that show. Smoked roughly a pack of smokes in that three hour period. Luckily, I was able to keep my throat cool by downing thirteen vodka and Sprites. Good clean fun.
LEVEL FIVE: Going out for drinks then coming home and getting stoned with more cocktails. Dangerous combination here. I've been out drinking and having a great time, Shallon somehow lures me home, and I'm convinced the night is just getting started. It's much like Level Four, only I wake up on the couch/bathroom floor. Plus, I don't remember shit of what I was watching on TV. I often try and get people back to my place for this level. Mr. Martinez often falls for this gag. He's always up for a little extra partying. Got to watch his hands around Shal though, she's easy and he's got that smooth Cuban charm. Fucker. I'm joking, he's always a complete gentleman, often turning down my offers of gay sex. Speaking of gay sex, Rico. He is the only person I consider capable of trumping me on this level. I've woken up with this bad boy in some strange situations. "Oh, the bars are closing? Well, I got 30 beers and a bunch of Puerto Rican rum. And weed. I'm not ready for bed!" Yeah, woken up on his floor more than my fair share of times. Only kidding about the gay thing, as far as you know. This is an extremely bad level for a work night.
LEVEL SIX: Partying! Oh yeah, this is the shit! Nothing social about this, though I'm often in social situations during this level. Drinking for the pure joy of getting drunk. This includes parties, football games, and any kind of event in which someone was stupid enough to invite me. In my own defense, I'd like to point out that my bad habits are rather Kennedy-like. I like to get drunk and flirt with hot women. The list of female friends I hit on is endless. Every Summer I have a new victim. We'll start from most recent: Lauren, can't even begin to tell you the stories she and I have shared. No holds barred conversation. Only girl I know that can make ME blush. I'll play a goof on her and she always one-ups me. Plus, she likes to watch horrible TV and doesn't give me shit about smoking in the house. Of course, that is because she is also smoking and stoned out of her tree. I think my favorite moment with her had to be watching local Public Broadcasting religious programming and rolling on the floor laughing. I'm not talking the exaggerated "ROFL" laughing, I mean literally, we both fell off our seats and were fucking laughing. On like a Monday night. Huge props. The summer before that was Laura, of Staten Island fame. The girl treated me like a science project: Ignored my sinister leering and tried to convince me I was sober enough to go out. "Dr. Frankenstein, Jay is ready!" The year before that one was Tony. Tight Hungarian buns, sunglasses, and he could surf! The shit of my dreams! Can't believe I never laid that pipe. Or did I? Prior to this was what I like to call "The Johnson Sister Years". I guess the most recent was Christina. Didn't get to spend much down time with her (eg. Monday-Wednesday), but still was shamelessly hitting on her every chance I got. I guess I got to go with the pot brownies from K's party when I was not allowed to look at Shal. Christina was winning some kind of gambling game and pronounced herself Queen. Trust me on this one, if it's not Freddy Mercury, and someone is proclaiming themselves Queen, just go with it. Wish I had a beach house story to tell here, but I like having my balls attached to my body. You simply don't fuck with someone who is not afraid to refer to herself as "The Queen". Then there was Denise. Holds a special place in my heart. I feel like I watched her grow up. Party girl to married and responsible. Best laugh in the group: loud, uninhibited, and always ready. Never failed to make me feel good, laughing at my stupid jokes and never giving me shit about being a drunken disaster. The list is so long. I know I'm forgetting Karen, Amy, Jen C. and T., Kelly,...Love all you ladies. Especially when you are in bikinis. Yummy!
I don't see how this makes me a bad person. I have no rape convictions, I try not to drive drunk, and I've somehow managed to maintain a ten year relationship. Fuck, I'm married! Granted I'm married to Shal, who can only be described as a "Drunkard's Dream", an enabler, or a saint, depending on who you ask. Luckiest man in the world? You betcha!
LEVEL SEVEN: Special event drinking. This entails bachelor parties, Super Bowls, and weddings. Oddly enough, this level may not be quite as reckless as level six, but definitely is better than level eight. There is a purpose to this partying, so I usually don't black out too early. If I'm looking forward to something, I tend to maintain my head while drinking at an out-of-control rate. I'm not saying I'm not going to make a jackass of myself, I assure you that I will. It's just more of an entertaining, "I want the spotlight on ME!" kind of jackass. I generally get a better review for this level than level six. More memorable, more photos. Side note: This level often involves illegal stimulants, doesn't make me a bad person. More of a multiple substance abuser. I just wish I was more subtle about that aspect.
LEVEL EIGHT: Shore house drinking. Truelly an ugly level. I won't say this level is restricted to the beach, but it manifests itself more often there than anywhere else. It is characterized by starting early. By early, I mean as soon as I wake up. It ends with me falling down and sleeping wherever the fuck I landed. I always feel regret and shame about this level, but I get over it quickly and start again. I tend to carry on and make ridiculous statements at this level, constantly going for a laugh. Of course I often violate all social etiquette and insult many. Most recently and famously, I began referring to a stranger as "Stiffler's mom" and then telling her boyfriend, "That's disgusting" about the idea of sleeping with her. Not something to put on my resume, but it seemed to please the masses. I keep having Chris Brown yell at me, "That's disgusting" in his best imitation of my slurred Boston accent. (This pleases me in a secret kind of way.) Followed by much laughter and cheers. Apperently I just said what everyone was thinking. Good for me, bad for my conscious. I can't look Stiffler's Mom in the eye anymore, but she annoys the shit out of me anyway. Fuck it and her. Wait, I just remembered I kept calling her boyfriend "Jonny Drama" the entire night as well. I'm laughing my ass off right now and feeling terrible about it at the same time. I guess that is the best way to describe myself. Drunken asshole who occasionally fucks up in the right way. I should have been born a Kennedy.
Cheers motherfuckers!