Criminal Behavior

Let me just start with saying I should not be allowed out in public anymore. I should have to just stay in my apartment, possibly wearing a Hannibal Lecter-style restraining device. If you didn't happen to see me this weekend, congratulations! Shal left for Boston Saturday morning and I immediately started cocktail hour. Watched the Pats regain their Championship form and kick the shit out of a highly ranked team. I decided to head out and celebrate. By "celebrate", I mean break into Tom Finn's house. Technically, I was just dropping by to visit. I found the back door open and heard someone inside. Much to my chagrine, it was not the young Mrs. Finn. It was Tom coming out of the shower. You ever hear the story about how the predator is just as afraid of you as you are of it? "Tom, it's me Jay! Don't shoot!" "Who the fuck is there?!?" It was a Polish standoff, both of us fearing for our life. Once Tom figured out that it wasn't a home invasion, we both shared a chuckle. Tom realized how wildly drunk I was, and I explained how his door was open. Now I understand that an open door is not an invitation, but I promise you that he will never leave that door unlocked again. In a way, I'm saving lives. Saint Jay has a nice ring to it. I'm more than a little hazy how this ended, I think Tom was going into the city to meet up with folks. I declined his polite invitation to join him. I know he was just being nice, he'd of rather I was really a burglar than have to take me out with him. I'm not sure of my timeline, but I either went to Louise & Jerry's or Arthur's. I did both, just not sure of the order. Lost like six games of pool at L&J's. Truly a poor performance, but I caught up with some old friends from there...then insulted them. Went to Arthur's by myself, had the schrod and closed the place. Picture Dennis Hopper in "River's Edge" dancing with a blow up doll. It was pathetic but strangely enjoyable. Flash forward to Sunday AM. I wake up in my own bed and am just as happy as a clam. It takes a while to piece together a night like that, so I usually don't bother. Random images and memories flash through the old brain, I ignore them. Cocktail time! I had no intention of leaving the house. Dan calls. Chaos. Willie McBride's. Terrorized the shit out of people. Two heavy weight Korean women had the misfortune of sitting next to us. "I can tell you two are Irish! Loved your people in Braveheart!" Dan yells "Erin go Bragh!" They kind of thought it was funny, I think. Guy they were with, who I didn't see cause the sun was behind him, not so much. I finally notice him and try to make nice. Doesn't work. Dan is in hysterics, "What the fuck is he going to do? Stand up Jay, you're twice his size!" While this was true, I was trying to be nice now, "No, no, I'm just joking with you...You ever been to the Guiness brewery?" They left, we laughed. The bartenders were ready to kill us. Lot's of other funny stuff happened, though I'm weak on specifics, sorry.
I can't really recall how this all transpired, but Dan and I decided to go to the city. Go to a bar and get a couple fancy frozen drinks. My round to buy, $23 fucking dollars! Bartender is a fancy fella, I'm unshowered and trying to scrape together the cash. Fella looked like he wanted to spit on me. Dan continues to be in hysterics laughing at me, which of course gets me laughing. We fuck with the bartender for a bit, all reach the mutual decision we must be in the wrong place and should move on. Hazy memories...
Some how we end up near my office and both have tall Bud Lights. "Hey Dan, I work here! Let's go in and warm up!" Yup, I went into my office fucking shitfaced. Must have been about 11:00pm, signed in with the name T.Finn and put a fake floor number. Security was not particularly impressed by my ID and visible drunkness. Just kind of bluffed our way past. Pissed in the sinks in the kitchen, rooted through some desks and found cigs and matches. Lit up in the middle of the office, cracked our beers. I think we had some chair races, threw shit around at each other, fucked with the computers... the usual shit you have always wanted to do in your office. We left the empties on random people's desks, I think I put a cig out in the water cooler. Bugged out just before security showed. I'm not sure if I have a sixth sense about this shit, but I alway's know when a situation has to end. Security is coming in one door, I yell at Dan to hide. We evade security and walk out like gentlemen. The night finished at the Spa Diner around 2:00am. I once again woke up in my own bed. Took a personal day today. If I'm ever questioned about this I plan on claiming I wasn't even in the country this weekend. Clearly a firing offensive, but a great fucking time. Dan and I are not allowed to hang out ever again.
Cheers motherfuckers!