"So, why aren't you and Shallon married?"

Ahhh, yes, the final group of people I've had to deal with for at least the last 6 years. The "why aren't you?" or "when are you two finally going to get married?" folks. These are almost inevitably married people. Self righteous, "what is wrong with you" married folks. Before we get to them in depth, let me make a couple points. First, if you were one of my single friends, I realize you were just busting my balls with this question. You are exempt from this. I hope I get really nasty with this, cause these people irritated me to no end. Second, how should I respond to this question? A few ideas, many of which I actually used:
*"I don't really like her, just waiting for something better to come along." If a lady, quickly followed up with, "So, what's up with you, HAPPILY married?"
*"I'm gay, just not ready to come out yet." If a guy, followed up with, "What was your name again?"
*"Immigration issues, it's complicated." Immediately walk away.
*"Who are you? Do I know you?" Look insulted and shake your head.
*"Nolo ingles. Que?" Best while drinking margaritas.
*"She's really a man."
*"She doesn't swallow."
*"I got to take care of some legal issues before she'll agree. (Laughing) I mean, seriously, do I look like a child pornographer to you?"
*"Shut up cunt."
*"Married? I hadn't thought about that...What's that all about?"
*"How'd you like another drink? I'll go mix you up a mind your own fucking business with a punch in the face chaser!"
*Finally, my all time favorite response was to a married woman I had met the previous evening in the ski house. I'll refer to her as C., and not because that is her initial. She, her husband, Chris Brown, and myself were on a chairlift in Killington. The men had just finished smoking a huge joint. Her husband was busy shouting racial slurs at skiers on the slope. Honestly, he was yelling "Ping-Pong, Ping-Pong" at a group of Japanese skiers. Now I'm not opposed to a little good natured racism, but I stopped yelling slurs at minorities during my teens. (Okay, there was that time with me and Krafty in Asbury Park, but we were really drunk and in a car. Kidding. Shut up about it Shallon.) Anyway, Brown and I are really stoned and a little horrified by Ping-pong boy, when C. turns to me and says, "Not that it's any of my business, but why aren't you and Shallon married? You seem like a good couple." She's on my left, Brown is on my right. I feel Brown giggling right off the bat, look at C. with blood shot eyes, blink once at her. I turn my back to her and look at Brown, "So how about them Patriots, huh?"
We both burst out laughing, C. is pissed at the total bluntness of my blow off. As Brown later put it, she just wasn't ready for a dose of "Jay Mills level sarcasm. To her credit she came roaring back at me and Brown. "Oh, excuse me for asking a serious question, trying to make a fucking conversation! Sorry! What should we talk about, WEED?" A scathing rebuttal but unfortunately it just brought Brown and I to hysterics. We almost fell out of the chairlift and the husband almost jumped when he realized how pissed his wife was and saw us laughing AT her. I can't remember how it ended, I think we just all put are goggles on to stop any eye contact. C. seethed quietly, Ping-pong boy had the thousand yard stare, and Brown and I eventually laughed ourselves out, interspersed with inappropriate giggles. Awkward, awkward awkward.

There was someone else on that ski trip who loved to ask that question. We'll call him Dave Reed. "So, when you two gonna do it man? When you gonna marry Shallon?" I asked him how he liked being married, and how it was different from when they just lived together. He said he loved it and that it was different cause she was his wife now. "Even if we have an argument or aren't getting along, I know it'll work out cause we're married now. You know what I mean, it's permanent, dude." Well, if you haven't figured out what happened with him, let me give you a hint: d-v--c-d. Apparently blind sided by it as well. I'm not trying to be cruel, just making a point. And he really did bust my balls in the most self-righteous of ways. Fifty percent divorce rate kids. One hundred percent of the folks I know who got married more than 4 years ago. My sister just finalized her divorce, two kids. My father is on his fifth divorce as we speak.
"So, why aren't you and Shallon married?"

Good luck to all the newlyweds out there, I'll be joining you soon.
Cheers motherfuckers!