A Good Death

I was watching some movie this weekend with Shal, and we started talking about what a "good death" was verse a "bad death", and then we started talking about what an "embarressing death" might be. This is always an interesting topic, one I've had many good drunken conversations about on the porch and at Arthurs.
The typical ideas of a good death are cliche. There's dying in bed, peacefully or while having sex. There's being surrounded by loved ones after a full, satisfying life. There is dying heroically bust stupidly, like A-Rod almost did while saving that young boy in Boston. To this, I say, "Bbbboooorrrriiiinnngggg!" The last moments of life should be exciting and honorable. Something that sends you into the void with a scream on your lips and adrenaline blowing out of every pore. Here's some examples:

Animals:
*Good: Being attacked by a grizzly bear, great white shark, tigers, or lions. Quick and horrifying.
*Bad: Attacked by killer bees, poisonous snakes, rats, or pirhanas. Seems like it would just take too long. No way to fight back either.
* Embarrassing: Mauled by kittens, rabbits, or hamsters. Death at the hands of a child's pet, no good! You may be asking how this could happen. Best way I figure it: slip, fall, and become incapacitated alone in your home. The little fuckers start to starve and resort to eating you. This happens more often than you'd think with the elderly and their pets. I hope.

Bar fights:
*Good: Biker bar defending your gals honor.
*Bad: Gay bar drunkenly trying to get head from the one straight guy in there.
*Embarrassing: Lesbian bar trying to get a three-some going with a couple butches.

Driving:
*Good: Drag racing.
*Bad: Drunk driving.
*Embarrassing: While receiving head from a transvestite.

Medical:
*Good: Donating a kidney to Tom Brady.
*Bad: Malpractice.
*Embarrassing: Infection resulting from penis or breast enlargement. Sex change was too obvious.

Music related:
*Good: Moshing at a Tool concert.
*Bad: Anything to do with Springsteen.
*Embarrassing: Falling out of the upper balcony at a Journey concert during "Wheel in the Sky" due to uncontrollable sobbing (Dan).

Sports:
*Good: Boxing. Bullfighting. Skydiving.
*Bad: Fastball to the head.
*Embarrassing: Celebrity boxing with Screech.

Sports Celebrities:
*Good: A fight with Gary Sheffield in right field at Fenway.
*Bad: Suicide pact with Donovan McNabb about next years Super Bowl.
*Embarrassing: Contracting AIDS from Derek Jeter (Chris Brown).

War:
Good: Charging a machine gun nest at Normandy Beach.
Bad: Getting tangled up in razor wire at Normandy Beach.
Embarrassing: Tripping and falling on your own bayonette during a re-enactment of Normandy Beach (Tom).

With a friend:
*Good: Tackling Chris Brown in front of a speeding Yankees team bus.
*Bad: Cracking skulls open on that fucking jetty at beach with Dan and Tony. Almost happened.
*Embarrassing: Contracting strange and fatal STD with Dave Ballsley while in Thailand.

Fishing:
*Good: Trying to reel in a giant Marlin and getting pulled overboard. Then speared by Marlin.
*Bad: Drunkenly falling off a fluke boat.
*Embarrassing: Dragged out to sea during cast surfing by a dolphin you were trying to copulate with (Rico).

Suicide:
*Good: Suicide bombing an Al Quada leadership meeting.
*Bad: Suicide in general.
*Embarrassing: Hanging yourself because you got caught fucking a chicken by your wife and had to kill her. This actually happened in Africa. Can't find the link, dammit.

I'm running out of gas here and am not even sure if this is funny. In closing, let me just remind everyone to eat their vegetables and excercise regularly cause disease is a sucky way to go. If you do contract a terminal disease, give me a call and we'll go camping in Alaska. Every morning we'll smear you with salmon and go trolling for grizzlies. I'll bring a video camera and record your final moments trying to fight off that killer bear. Then I'll sell it to Fox and split the money with whoever you choose. Cheers motherfuckers !