Extra's

Obama is the greatest thing that ever happened to this country. That being said, he is not going to win. Despite the Bush blowback, the Republicans will take it again because the Democrats are fucking idiots. “Let’s nominate a woman or a black man with a terrorist’s name!” Nice! It’s almost as good as running a liberal senator from Massachusetts and having the convention in Boston, ala 2004. Are they aware that there are voters outside of the coasts? Obviously not. Whatever, get ready for President McCain. Back to Obama, the fact that the black community turned against him because he is not “black” enough makes me so happy I’m drooling. Apparently Flavor Flav would be their preferred candidate. My theory is that the black community doesn’t want him to win. The “struggle” would be over, the excuses of institutional racism would be out the window, and “whitey” would be on the warpath. They are right. I’d be screaming at blacks wherever I went, “YOU WON, STOP HATING ME!” I am referring to “urban” blacks, of course. Hip hop boos, not Bill Cosby or Colin Powell types, I can’t picture them yelling in movie theaters or trying to be tough with me on the subway. It is so great that everyone is jumping on the Obama bandwagon, but it makes me wonder what everyone will do in the privacy of the voting booth. Fucking Guilliani won’t win because outside of the Northeast and California, Italian isn’t white! Let me name the one president who wasn’t a male WASP: JFK. John Fitzpatrick Kennedy. An Irish Catholic from the greatest city in the world, Boston! Oh? How did that end? That red-neck son of a bitch LBJ had him killed in Dallas! I’m spitting mad right now and ready to go punch the first Texan I see! Okay, sorry about that, I took a smoke/drink break and poured a quarter of my bourbon and coke out in honor of JFK. My current hero, Ted “I killed a chick and got away with it” Kennedy, endorsed Obama. Kiss of death. “Errraa, I’m for the nig…the ehhh black guy. I hate that cu..err… I’m opposed to Hillary.” Yeah, that is sincere. Getting the Ted nod is the equivalent of having Jeffery Dahlmer give you cooking tips. The big BO is done, congrats on South Carolina, and please step back from the curb while the Clinton juggernaut is coming by. I fucking love the Clintons, and nothing would make me happier than to see Big Bill back in the White House.

Queer Factor

Against popular opinion, I am not a guy that has problems with homosexuality. I always get along with gay people, as long as they can take a joke. Shal and I drove home one of those disease ridden monkeys last summer. Loved him, we laughed the whole way home and he was the most honest person I’d talked to in ages. He was one of Richie’s friends, but I can’t remember his name. We made all kinds of plans to keep in touch and get together. Of course we were drinking and I’ve never spoke to him again and probably couldn’t pick him out of a lineup. Ask Dolly and Justin about this aspect of my personality, I love making plans and hate following through with them. I kept demanding to know when he “chose” to be homosexual, and he kept putting me in my place. “When did you choose to be tall? Outrageous drunk was a lifestyle choice you made?” Good fun, great guy. That being said, one of my lesbo co-workers told me about a gay party she went to where they played “Queer Factor”. The theory behind this game is to ask questions that gay people wouldn’t get. What is the tractor most popular among farmers? Which is the most powerful gun? What is the best perfume for women? You get the idea. Can we be this original amongst ourselves? I don’t really have any ideas, more just a general sense of figuring out a question game that would expose our weaknesses. It would be a cool day in the backyard.

Blog 2008: The Kite Runner

I’d like to thank the two or three people who responded to the return of the blog, thanks I appreciate the feed back. Here is my review of “The Kite Runner”, a book handed around by the females down at the beach house, to the point I had to make the leap and read it. There is even a movie being made about this book. Piece of shit. Horrifying clichés all over the place with a convoluted storyline and a sappy ending. I would give specifics but I have blocked most of the read out of my mind. I believe the theme of the story was boy rape, and who doesn’t love boy rape! Oh yeah, everyone. And redemption. Who doesn’t love redemption? Me. If everyone and every act was redeemable, Charlie Manson would have been paroled by now. The world doesn’t work that way. Wish it did, I truly do, but it doesn’t. Good people do bad things, bad people do good things, we are all flawed and we all die in the end. Boy rape will never be cool, but I think I understand why the chicks identified with it. I strongly believe that I won’t ever be raped by a man, unlucky guy that I am. Yet, there is no doubt I could force myself onto any woman I want, in a criminal fashion. It is simple genetics, men are stronger than women, and I am a large fucker with a drinking problem. I don’t rape because I know it’s wrong, not because I couldn’t. I may even be capable of raping some of you men out there reading this! Watch your backs guys, literally, I have some odd moods. That being said, I have no idea what it must be like to be a woman and have the knowledge that someone like me could get all heated up and suddenly demand to perform oral sex upon them. The poor woman would probably have to barricade herself in the bungalow with her dog Zoey. It’s just ridiculous! My friend Tom once described me as having “The Rape Look” in my eyes, and I couldn’t really disagree. I was hung over with a light saber in my pants and he was fooling around with his future wife in the bed next to mine. I was ready to pull a John Wayne Gacey. I was all ready picturing myself at the hardware store purchasing a shovel to hide their bodies under the house. Luckily for them, Tom gave me a “Jay…you okay?” I was “far from okay,” but I popped back into reality and realized they were just cuddling and waking up. Crime averted, though Shal did suffer my wrath (I think, may have had to engage in a little bit of the of ‘bating, can’t remember.) Personally, I would never force myself on anyone (Shallon excluded), because I’m afraid of going to jail. Joking. I don’t fear jail, I welcome it, as my hard drive will attest. Rape is just not something I’ve ever even considered. Okay, call me a liar, sure I’ve considered it. Have you seen the babes I associate with? They’re all hot! It’s torture! None the less, I kind of understand how women must feel. At any given point some psychopath could force them to have sex against their will. That can’t lead to peace of mind. It explains why they are attracted to men who can protect them. Beautiful and vulnerable is what we love about them. Their book recommendations?…not so much. The moral of my book review is that The Kite runner, much like life, sucks. Women are silly creatures with poor taste in literature, yet I would lick every centimeter of their bodies.

2008 Blog: Patriots

It’s been about a year and a half since I wrote almost anything or posted. No real good excuse, just waning interest. The whole idea of the blog was just to practice writing but evolved into something else that I wasn’t really comfortable with or interested in. It was a little too gossipy, a little too inside about my group of friends and the beach house. Well, I’m going to try and start posting again and let it go wherever it goes. It’s my fucking blog so lets get the focus on me. I pretty much went into hiding following the summer. More so than usual as pretty much no one wants to talk to me in light of the amazing year Boston sports was having. Sure, there are lots of other reasons people won’t talk to me, but I’ll blame it on the Bosox, Pats, and Celts. “Um, hey what’s up, it’s Jay. Want to watch the game? You have to root against me? I understand, maybe some other time…Go Sox, Pats, and Celts!” Click. With so much on the line with so many of these games, I couldn’t handle people rooting against my teams. The Sox won the World Series and there were some very tense moments, but they could afford to lose a game here and there. Now come the Patriots and everyone is talking undefeated season. Yeah, sure, I’m down with that but never really believed it. Fuck, whenever the Sox win opening day I immediately send out an email predicting a 182-0 season. Well, as I write this, it’s the bye week before the Super Bowl, and the Patriots are 18-0. It’s fucking unbelievable and great, but it has grown more and more stressful with every win. My body is literally breaking down, I’ve been breaking out in hives this week (no joke, first time in my life), my complexion can best be described as "red and blotchy", and if you know me I don’t even have to mention the pounding my liver and lungs have sustained. If the Pats had lost a regular season game, this would just be another Super Bowl run. Now, it’s the difference between the team that went undefeated and choked in the playoffs or Super Bowl, and the greatest team in the history of football. Fuck! I just sprouted a new hive writing that. Bragging rights forever are on the line. By the way, I’ll be going to Mohegan Sun for the game with a friend coming down from Beantown with hard drugs, it’s the only right thing to do in light of the fact we are playing the NY Giants. (Should be fun having a blackjack dealer trying to figure out why I haven't blinked or stopped talking for the past three hours.) If we win, Giant’s fans will be firebombing my apartment. If we lose, I’ll be doing 25 to life for multiple homicides. I’d plead insanity of course, and it would be true. Go Pats, GO FUCKING PATS!
Cheers Motherfuckers.
P.S. I’ll deal with the Celtics at a later date.