Learn To Swim 11/14/05

It's been so long since I've done a random thoughts blog I forgot the fucking title! Obviously I figured it out, remember to breath out through your nose so you don't drown. Shal and I were out a week ago and went to the organic food store, which prompted me to come up with these marketing questions for all organic food stores:
1. Are you a female?
2. Are you a vegan?
3. Do you like organic food more than eating pussy?
BAMM! I've haven't seen more hard core lesbians since Joan Jett played the Art's and Music festival! One even had the two female symbols linked together as a tattoo. I was in fucking heaven, waching Shal watch me and waiting for the comments was truly special. If she had a taser on her she would have taken me down early. You know the look, the wide eyed, just waiting for me to go off, "I'll fucking kill you if you ask me 'where's the fish department'", look. Despite the fact they were all horrible looking, I dragged it out as long as possible. I even agreed to make curry chicken, which of course I have no idea how to make. In case anyone cares, it came out okay. Not great, but decent and low fat, just like me! Any way, if any of my female readers are drinking from the fairy cup (and I know you are!), hit the organic market. You'll have a fist stuffed into you in no time, if that's your thing. If that is your thing, please send me video. I don't judge, I just masturbate frequently. Last bit of funny stuff, I asked where the curry sauces were and they sicked a mexican dude on me. He was very helpful but I feared we would have to take him home. He followed us around the whole time and was starting to freak me out until I realized Shal and I were the first hetero couple he'd seen in there. I tried to get Shal to blow him just out of sympathy, but she's really a selfish chick. It was an odd request, I immediately apologized. I gave him a handy and got free coconut milk out of the deal. At least I hope it was coconut milk...maybe that's why the curry chicken wasn't that good...
Chris B. and I are friends again, which is nice. Bad combination but nice none the less. I asked permission to talk about this and think I got it (thank you jaeger-bombs!) His dad lost a fucking kidney! Didn't mention it to anyone, which is simply assine, but that's kind of what guys do. I know Shal sent him a nasty email cause he had went into isolation. I yelled at her about that, but quietly agreed with her. CB was being a dick! Then he tells me his dad was having a cancerous kidney removed and that's why he was out of touch. This is easily the A-bomb of excuses. "Well, you should have called or something...Let us know...That's when you need friends most!" Then I remembered I was a terrible friend anyway and not really all that good of a person in general. I probably wouldn't have even taken the call, "Fucking CB calling again to whine." I'm kidding of course, as he himself said, "I call my dad and start bitching about work, how commuting sucks, etc.,. He just says, 'You know they cut one of my kidneys out, right'". Classic, CB never wins another argument with his dad. Love you bro, good seeing you messy early.
Speaking of which, the Nichole/Jen party was ridiculous fun. I corrupted teenagers with Jen C.'s boy friend. I got to bust out the "I'll show you prison love," line, which always makes me happy. I'm not sure anyone else was laughing, but Darren and I were busting a gut. Nichole's brother was actually sane, though poorly groomed and wearing a Jim Morrison shirt. His friend, however, looked about 13 years old and was loud as hell. We'll refer to him as Beavis. 5'8" and about 120lbs, challenged me to a drinking contest. I think he won but who really cares. I'm considering adopting him: Beavis Larry Bird Mills. I'm already excited about this, I'm gonna move on.
Dan is going to the Eagles' Monday night game tonight, look for him on the police blotter tomorrow.
I'm done here. I wish I was Bolivian. Cheers Motherfuckers!